Today, in passing, a fellow author said I win the Steamy Merit Badge. I thought that sounded awesome, so I made myself one. I think I’ll make it into a sticker for all my books. What do you think?
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Hard experience has taught me to keep a spare keyboard around because I am an optimist. Despite knowing full well that water and keyboards don’t mix, I routinely keep a glass of water by my computer. THIS time and forever more I will be CAREFUL and not spill any water on my keyboard.
Last year I went through three keyboards, and the last time I spilled water … on Christmas Eve, I made it to the store in time to buy a keyboard of the sort that is kind to my hands and wrists. I didn’t have a spare because the Christmas Eve incident took out keyboard No. 2. Then, and I kid you not, shortly after that, I spilled water again. I ended up finding and having to use a spare Apple keyboard of the sort that looks awesome but functions as a torture device.
It’s a bluetooth keyboard. As soon as I had money and time, I went off to the store and bought two more keyboards. For about a month everything was fine. And then all of a sudden, my new keyboard was typing all by itself. I watched in horror as random strings began to overwrite part of my chapter. MY WORDS!!!!!!! I got things shut down keyboard-wise and swapped in the spare. Again, for some time, everything was fine.
Then, again, the keyboard had a life and a mind of its own. Again, I watched as nothing I did stopped the magical appearance of strings of text, spaces and characters overwriting portions of my chapter.
I did what every good tech person does when something bizarre happens. I rebooted. Things were fine. But hmmm. This was strange and odd and inexplicable when actually, in tech, nothing is really random like that. I was often afraid to type. What if my keyboard went all wacky again and had to reconstruct, AGAIN, a paragraph of text?
Then, not too long after that, a “low battery” notice popped up on the iMac. Low battery? For a keyboard? What keyboard—
The bluetooth keyboard that I had apparently left on a side table three feet from my computer. Powered on.
The bluetooth keyboard that my cat would occasionally jump on and even sit on.
Allow me to represent to you that my cat is not a good typist.
Some of you may recall the great Shoe Off of 2013. No? You can read about it here.
Basically, I challenged Megan Frampton to a Shoe Off. Despite my best efforts to cheat, I lost. I have no idea why. But here’s the 2013 Shoe Off Photos.
It took some time, but I’ve recovered from my defeat and now I want a rematch. Obviously we would have to submit new shoe photos. 2013 is done. Those shoes are history.
I’m waiting to see if Megan says it’s on.
Work from Home!
Make extra cash in every spare minute while working from home. Do you have a poorly functioning moral compass? Apply immediately!
If your moral compass sometimes gives you pause, you’d probably be a great fit for our junior minion position. Check back in a month. We’re waiting to see if the intern quits.
Pay: Bit coin and free books.
Benefits: Every day is casual day.
Requirements: Able to start immediately. Limited ability to work unsupervised. Must be able to copy and paste. Familiarity with Word a plus but not required.
Duties: Carry out tasks on approved schedule. Set up internet alerts and take proscribed actions per provided flow chart.
To apply: Please copy and paste your resume into a comment to this post. Include a link to a video of you dry-washing your hands and laughing in an unsettling manner. Equal opportunity Employer.
Amazon is debuting a feature where when you look at a book, up at the top they show you books they feel are similar and that have better ratings.
Much I as I think Amazon is usually pretty smart about things, I’m not so sure about this one. I think it’s an attempt at curation — As in, “are you sure you want to buy a book with a 3-star rating when there are similar ones with 4.5 stars?” I guess we’ll see.
In the meantime, I thought I’d give everyone some advance help with my book My Darkest Passion. A paranormal romance of mine. It has 24 reviews with an average 4-star rating.
What Similar Items with Better Ratings might there be?
Sadly, one of my top candidates is not available: I mean, who wouldn’t want to read about that? (search term: “My Darkest Passion”)
No ratings at all, so even though that sounds totally awesome, that won’t qualify. My Darkest Passion is better than a moleskin. Please debate this in the comments. (search term: “Coffee Passion”)
I am totally outranked by this. 355 reviews and 4.5 stars. I just bought this product so I guess this “Similar products” thing works! Note: My Darkest Passion in Kindle books is considerably less expensive. (search term: “Darkest Chocolate”)
The characters in my book have psychic powers so if you’d rather have the power than read about others with such powers this may be the book for you. 4 star rating, but 34 reviews. (search term: “How to Be a Pyschic”)
4 star rating but 637 reviews. Note: Also considerably more expensive than the Kindle version of my book, but not too much more expensive than the print version. (search term: “How to deal with demons”)
I hope this is of some assistance. Other ideas? Let me know in the comments!
Here’s a link to the promised update.
Even a highwayman, in the way of trade, may blow out your brains, but if he uses foul language at the same time, I should say he was no gentleman.
William Hazlitt, “The Fight”, New Monthly Magazine, February 1822
Let me know how you did, and if you’re naughty, then I’ll send you a card. You have to email me your mailing address if you want a card. I won’t add you to any list. I’ll just mail you a card. Open until, uh, Dec 15, 2013.
email me your address through my website or carolyn AT carolynjewel DOT com
Take the quiz.
It’s a known fact that when book reviewers start blackmailing you for swag, you are a made author. MADE. Effing made in the goddamned shade. It means the USA Today and the NYT lists are just around the corner. Once that happens, triple digit reviews on Amazon are about to explode on your books like a nest of vipers on a bully who just stepped in it. Over at B&N, the Warrior Cats will stop talking about Glitter Cat and Moonkitty and they will buy your book.
I have never been blackmailed for swag. Not one single book reviewer has ever said Carolyn, we would be SO excited to review your book. SO EXCITED! Please send it immediately, but first, we need to have some swag from you. Without that, I’m afraid we’ll accidentally post-date our review to 1977.
No one has ever said, psst. hey you, author nobody ever heard of! Give us a job at your company and we’ll review your book!
God, it’s just SO UNFAIR. No book reviewer will blackmail me.
In order to get around this, I am prepared to to offer you book reviewers swag you can’t get anywhere else. The images are extra-large so you can really take a look.
A 4 star review will get you anything you want from my junk drawer. You’ll notice it is chock full of swag. The gift card has $3.49 cents left on it. For that much money you could get a $3.00 coffee and leave a .49 cent tip. You could buy three .99 cent eBooks and have money left over! That’s my son’s report card over there in the upper left. He got an A+ in Honors Physics. A little white-out and your kid is in the college of his or her choice. Got a pet? Check out the pet brush! The nail clippers are fully functional. Need a pen? You’re covered. Possibly not for long, but hey.
First come first serve.
But here’s something BETTER. For a 5-star review I will let you in on this deal:
Mr. Andrew Liu from Hong Kong is loaded and I am the only person who can help him! This is totally going to work. Wire me $100,000 US and I will contact Mr. Liu on your behalf and send you half the money, less a convenience fee.
Authors and Book Reviewers. Together, we can do it!
Reserve your swag now! Leave a comment.