Even a highwayman, in the way of trade, may blow out your brains, but if he uses foul language at the same time, I should say he was no gentleman.
William Hazlitt, “The Fight”, New Monthly Magazine, February 1822
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Let me know how you did, and if you’re naughty, then I’ll send you a card. You have to email me your mailing address if you want a card. I won’t add you to any list. I’ll just mail you a card. Open until, uh, Dec 15, 2013.
email me your address through my website or carolyn AT carolynjewel DOT com
Take the quiz.
It’s a known fact that when book reviewers start blackmailing you for swag, you are a made author. MADE. Effing made in the goddamned shade. It means the USA Today and the NYT lists are just around the corner. Once that happens, triple digit reviews on Amazon are about to explode on your books like a nest of vipers on a bully who just stepped in it. Over at B&N, the Warrior Cats will stop talking about Glitter Cat and Moonkitty and they will buy your book.
I have never been blackmailed for swag. Not one single book reviewer has ever said Carolyn, we would be SO excited to review your book. SO EXCITED! Please send it immediately, but first, we need to have some swag from you. Without that, I’m afraid we’ll accidentally post-date our review to 1977.
No one has ever said, psst. hey you, author nobody ever heard of! Give us a job at your company and we’ll review your book!
God, it’s just SO UNFAIR. No book reviewer will blackmail me.
In order to get around this, I am prepared to to offer you book reviewers swag you can’t get anywhere else. The images are extra-large so you can really take a look.
A 4 star review will get you anything you want from my junk drawer. You’ll notice it is chock full of swag. The gift card has $3.49 cents left on it. For that much money you could get a $3.00 coffee and leave a .49 cent tip. You could buy three .99 cent eBooks and have money left over! That’s my son’s report card over there in the upper left. He got an A+ in Honors Physics. A little white-out and your kid is in the college of his or her choice. Got a pet? Check out the pet brush! The nail clippers are fully functional. Need a pen? You’re covered. Possibly not for long, but hey.
First come first serve.
But here’s something BETTER. For a 5-star review I will let you in on this deal:
Mr. Andrew Liu from Hong Kong is loaded and I am the only person who can help him! This is totally going to work. Wire me $100,000 US and I will contact Mr. Liu on your behalf and send you half the money, less a convenience fee.
Authors and Book Reviewers. Together, we can do it!
Reserve your swag now! Leave a comment.
Deciding on the title of nobility for the hero of the historical romance you’re writing is pretty important. To help you out, I’ve put together this super helpful name creation method guaranteed to result in a title of nobility that fits seamlessly into your story. With this method, readers will think you spent MONTHS coming up with that title.
Make one selection from each of these lists:
- l or li
- sward (advanced users only!)
Combine your three choices in order:
You might actually be done at this point, but to really make that name pop, have some fun with vowels: change a random vowel to Y and/or insert an extra e somewhere, or simply remove a vowel.
IMPORTANT: If you chose an animal name from the first list, don’t skip this step.
See how easy it is? Feel free to use this method for every story you write.
I’ve been trying to get all my ducks in a row so I can get payment from an Italian publisher. I had to fill out a form for the Italians and then fill out a form for the IRS so that the IRS can certify I am a resident of the US for the purposes of paying taxes. The form you fax to the IRS includes a statement under penalty of perjury, blah blah blah which I signed and faxed.
A century passes and I get a letter that says they didn’t get the statement under penalty of perjury. I thought about asking “WTF?” but decided it would be better to just type out the language from the form, sign it and resend it. Which I did.
Half a century passes…
Today I got two documents in the mail from the IRS. One was my certification that I am a US tax payer and the other was a letter informing me my additional documentation had not been received and if they didn’t get it pronto, they wouldn’t be able to provide my certification.
I’m glad they arrived on the same day.
Who wouldn’t want to win this coveted prize? Established in January 2012, this prize recognizes excellence according to me. Winners are chosen at my discretion. Bribes are welcomed and, well, the competition has been fierce! Winners receive accolades!
This year’s nominees so far:
- Meljean Brook for excellence in satire (no Bribe necessary).
- Dreaming In Books in the Young Person Most Likely to do Something Awesome (guaranteed winner based on his suggested bribes and general awesomeness)
- Alex Smith, Quarterback for the SF 49ers, in the Person Most Entitled to Say FU to the Media Category
- Arjun Rampal in the Smoking Hot category
Include your nominee and category in the comments. Feel free to mention the bribe you’re willing to offer me in order to have your nomination win.
I’m over at the Riskies today with a quiz you NEED to take.
10 questions, an infallible answer. Go.
|Which Regency Hero Should You Marry?|
|The Brooding Duke
He’s probably a duke and he has a secret. A deep dark secret. There are rumors he murdered his late wife. He rides a black stallion named Herod’s Harlot and he never loses at the gaming table. In fact, chances are good he’ll win you in a card game, take your virginity later that night then put you to work as his valet. His kisses boil your blood.
You have a secret too, but you have amnesia and can’t recall what it is.
His tendency to moodiness can be cured … by love! And so can your amnesia!
|Facebook quizzes, quiz apps & blog quizzes by|