Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Magic Keyboard

Monday, March 30th, 2015

Hard experience has taught me to keep a spare keyboard around because I am an optimist. Despite knowing full well that water and keyboards don’t mix, I routinely keep a glass of water by my computer. THIS time and forever more I will be CAREFUL and not spill any water on my keyboard.

Last year I went through three keyboards, and the last time I spilled water … on Christmas Eve, I made it to the store in time to buy a keyboard of the sort that is kind to my hands and wrists. I didn’t have a spare because the Christmas Eve incident took out keyboard No. 2. Then, and I kid you not, shortly after that, I spilled water again. I ended up finding and having to use a spare Apple keyboard of the sort that looks awesome but functions as a torture device.

One of those annoying Apple keyboards I can't actually use

Magic?

It’s a bluetooth keyboard. As soon as I had money and time, I went off to the store and bought two more keyboards. For about a month everything was fine. And then all of a sudden, my new keyboard was typing all by itself. I watched in horror as random strings began to overwrite part of my chapter. MY WORDS!!!!!!! I got things shut down keyboard-wise and swapped in the spare. Again, for some time, everything was fine.

Then, again, the keyboard had a life and a mind of its own. Again, I watched as nothing I did stopped the magical appearance of strings of text, spaces and characters overwriting portions of my chapter.

I did what every good tech person does when something bizarre happens. I rebooted. Things were fine. But hmmm. This was strange and odd and inexplicable when actually, in tech, nothing is really random like that. I was often afraid to type. What if my keyboard went all wacky again and had to reconstruct, AGAIN, a paragraph of text?

Then, not too long after that, a “low battery” notice popped up on the iMac. Low battery? For a keyboard? What keyboard—

Oh.

The bluetooth keyboard that I had apparently left on a side table three feet from my computer. Powered on.

The bluetooth keyboard that my cat would occasionally jump on and even sit on.

Allow me to represent to you that my cat is not a good typist.

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Shoe Off Rematch??

Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

Some of you may recall the great Shoe Off of 2013. No? You can read about it here.

Basically, I challenged Megan Frampton to a Shoe Off. Despite my best efforts to cheat, I lost. I have no idea why. But here’s the 2013 Shoe Off Photos.

photo of a black, low heeled boot. Megan is wearing it.

Megan’s Boot

 

Carolyn's light purple canvas slip on shoe.

Carolyn’s Shoe

It took some time, but I’ve recovered from my defeat and now I want a rematch. Obviously we would have to submit new shoe photos. 2013 is done. Those shoes are history.

I’m waiting to see if Megan says it’s on.

?

:::checks watch:::

 

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March Jewel Madness

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

Here at Jewel Central we play along with the NCAA March madness tournament, but in a way that doesn’t stop the fun. If we used a traditional method, we’d all be out in the first round.

Instead, we pick one round at a time for each of the tourneys (women’s and men). This way, every one has something at stake in every round. Feel free to play along. Last year we had a blast, along with snarky comments. Everyone welcome. You get bragging rights for every win!

Link to a printable Men’s bracket (PDF): 2015 Men’s Bracket

Link to a printable Women’s bracket (PDF) 2015 Women’s Bracket

Select your predicted winners for the Men’s games taking place on March 17 and 18. Report your choices in the comments.

You have until Thursday to make your picks for the first round of both.

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Open Position: Minion

Saturday, October 25th, 2014

Work from Home!

Minion

Make extra cash in every spare minute while working from home. Do you have a poorly functioning moral compass? Apply immediately!

If your moral compass sometimes gives you pause, you’d probably be a great fit for our junior minion position. Check back in a month. We’re waiting to see if the intern quits.

Pay: Bit coin and free books.

Benefits: Every day is casual day.

Requirements: Able to start immediately. Limited ability to work unsupervised. Must be able to copy and paste. Familiarity with Word a plus but not required.

Duties: Carry out tasks on approved schedule. Set up internet alerts and take proscribed actions per provided flow chart.

To apply: Please copy and paste your resume into a comment to this post. Include a link to a video of you dry-washing your hands and laughing in an unsettling manner. Equal opportunity Employer.

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Similar Items with Better Ratings – Updated!

Sunday, April 13th, 2014

Amazon is debuting a feature where when you look at a book, up at the top they show you books they feel are similar and that have better ratings.

Much I as I think Amazon is usually pretty smart about things, I’m not so sure about this one. I think it’s an attempt at curation — As in, “are you sure you want to buy a book with a 3-star rating when there are similar ones with 4.5 stars?” I guess we’ll see.

In the meantime, I thought I’d give everyone some advance help with my book My Darkest Passion. A paranormal romance of mine. It has 24 reviews with an average 4-star rating.

What Similar Items with Better Ratings might there be?

One Hundred Statements about The Darkest Passion that Almost Killed my Hamster

Sadly, one of my top candidates is not available: I mean, who wouldn’t want to read about that? (search term: “My Darkest Passion”)

Moleskin Passion’s Coffee Journal

No ratings at all, so even though that sounds totally awesome, that won’t qualify. My Darkest Passion is better than a moleskin. Please debate this in the comments. (search term: “Coffee Passion”)

Raw Chocolate powder

I am totally outranked by this. 355 reviews and 4.5 stars. I just bought this product so I guess this “Similar products” thing works! Note: My Darkest Passion in Kindle books is considerably less expensive. (search term: “Darkest Chocolate”)

How Pyschic Are you?

The characters in my book have psychic powers so if you’d rather have the power than read about others with such powers this may be the book for you. 4 star rating, but 34 reviews. (search term: “How to Be a Pyschic”)

Dark Souls Prepare to Die Edition

4 star rating but 637 reviews. Note: Also considerably more expensive than the Kindle version of my book, but not too much more expensive than the print version. (search term: “How to deal with demons”)

I hope this is of some assistance. Other ideas? Let me know in the comments!

Here’s a link to the promised update.

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Annoying Things – A Poll

Saturday, April 5th, 2014

Here is a list of annoying things.  I’ve put together a poll. Let me know if this happens at YOUR house.

 

Has this Happened to You?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

 

 

 

 
Comments temporarily closed for this post.

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Even a highwayman ….

Saturday, January 25th, 2014

Even a highwayman, in the way of trade, may blow out your brains, but if he uses foul language at the same time, I should say he was no gentleman.
William Hazlitt, “The Fight”, New Monthly Magazine, February 1822

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Carolyn’s Naughty Quiz Post (Maybe NSFW)

Monday, December 2nd, 2013

Let me know how you did, and if you’re naughty, then I’ll send you a card. You have to email me your mailing address if you want a card. I won’t add you to any list. I’ll just mail you a card. Open until, uh, Dec 15, 2013.

email me your address through my website or carolyn AT carolynjewel DOT com

Take the quiz.

Your Score:  

Your Ranking:  

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Authors and Book Reviewers: Together we CAN do it!

Friday, October 19th, 2012

It’s a known fact that when book reviewers start blackmailing you for swag, you are a made author. MADE. Effing made in the goddamned shade. It means the USA Today and the NYT lists are just around the corner. Once that happens, triple digit reviews on Amazon are about to explode on your books like a nest of vipers on a bully who just stepped in it. Over at B&N, the Warrior Cats will stop talking about Glitter Cat and Moonkitty and they will buy your book.

I have never been blackmailed for swag. Not one single book reviewer has ever said Carolyn, we would be SO excited to review your book. SO EXCITED! Please send it immediately, but first, we need to have some swag from you. Without that, I’m afraid we’ll accidentally post-date our review to 1977.

No one has ever said, psst. hey you, author nobody ever heard of! Give us a job at your company and we’ll review your book!

God, it’s just SO UNFAIR.  No book reviewer will blackmail me.

In order to get around this, I am prepared to to offer you book reviewers swag you can’t get anywhere else. The images are extra-large so you can really take a look.

A 4 star review will get you anything you want from my junk drawer. You’ll notice it is chock full of swag. The gift card has $3.49 cents left on it. For that much money you could get a $3.00 coffee and leave a .49 cent tip. You could buy three .99 cent eBooks and have money left over! That’s my son’s report card over there in the upper left. He got an A+ in Honors Physics. A little white-out and your kid is in the college of his or her choice.  Got a pet? Check out the pet brush! The nail clippers are fully functional. Need a pen? You’re covered. Possibly not for long, but hey.

First come first serve.

 

Picture of Carolyn's Junk Drawer

Pick the Swag of Your Choice

 

But here’s something BETTER. For a 5-star review I will let you in on this deal:

screenshot of spam email

Exciting Opportunity!

Mr. Andrew Liu from Hong Kong is loaded and I am the only person who can help him! This is totally going to work. Wire me $100,000 US and I will contact Mr. Liu on your behalf and send you half the money, less a convenience fee.

Authors and Book Reviewers. Together, we can do it!

Reserve your swag now! Leave a comment.

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Carolyn Explains Politics Using Zombies and Bunnies

Wednesday, August 29th, 2012

Suzy Jones, Politician:  Today, in this great country of ours, we face a crisis. The world will be destroyed if we don’t act. The Zombie Apocalypse is coming. We cannot let those shambling, groaning, mindless creatures gnaw on our bunnies. Pets and small children should be in the basement. The streets are not safe.

Policy Wonk A (PWA):

Suzy Jones hates Bunnies! Tells families: “Bunnies should be locked in the basement.”

 

PWA’s claims rated “Pants On Fire times 10.”

PWA replies: Ferd Smith stands for protecting our beloved bunnies from Zombies. Suzy Jones wants bunnies to die in the basement.

Top Google results for “Is the Zombie Apocalypse coming?”

  • Best Zombie fighting weapons (sponsored link)
  • Top 10 ways to Zombie-proof your basement.
  • Securing a room in a dwelling without a basement
  • Hot Zombie babes
  • How to protect your bunny from Zombies

Ferd Smith, Politician: Zombies are attacking bunnies in greater numbers everyday. We need to arm the citizenry with anti-Zombie ammunition right now. Give everyone anti-Zombie guns! I guarantee you the streets are safe for bunnies.

Policy Wonk B (PWB):

Ferd Smith says bunnies can walk the streets!

 

Policy Wonk B Video Clip Rated “Pants On Fire Times a Billion!”

PWB replies: Ferd Smith says our bunnies are not in danger. Suzy Jones believes in protecting sweet, innocent, fluffy bunnies.

Top Google Search for “How to find your missing pet”

  • Zombie-Repellant, 10 Gal. (sponsored link)
  • Top 2 ways to Zombie-proof your basement NOW!
  • Securing a room in a dwelling without a basement
  • XXX Zombie action XXX
  • Obedience school for bunnies

Two Weeks Later:

The pundits have been eaten by Zombies. Jones and Smith accidentally run into each other outside the Senate. After a brief scuffle they talk and realize they actually have the same goal. They fight Zombies together and save the world for our bunnies.

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