Handy Review Responses for Authors Looking to Behave Badly

I believe in paying it forward and helping my fellow authors in anyway I can. Lately, there have been a spate of Author DefendersTM weighing in on bad reviews. Some of them have been brilliantly effective, generating loads of ill-will among readers and all those lookie-loos who refuse to buy your book so you can hit #1 on that certain list. But some of those defenses just aren’t up to par, I’m afraid. Not to mention there are authors without husbands or significant others to help with that all important Author Defense WorkTM.

Well, Carolyn to the Rescue! Herewith are some canned Author DefenseTM review responses for you to copy and paste into any comment stream. All you need to do is customize for your specific situation. I ask nothing in return, but if you felt moved to leave me a 5 star review for any of my books along the lines of “My GOD THIS IS BRILLIANT” I wouldn’t complain.

So, suppose you were to get a review like the one below:

A composite review

Wow. I can’t believe I paid for this book. Nothing about the story or the characters worked for me. The hero cursed way too much. There was too much sex! (See page 275! Utter filth.) The hero was mean. Why didn’t he help the heroine? The heroine, by the way, was a complete doormat who didn’t kick a single ass. I prefer books with kick-ass heroines. The formatting was terrible and so was the prose. I’m sorry I wasted hours of my life reading this. The history was all wrong. Everyone knows there were no buggy whips in 1805 and besides, who would use one of those in that way?

The author’s dog responds

It’s obvious you didn’t read [Insert author’s name] book or you’d know how nice she is. What are you? Some kind of cat lover? She is a wonderful person who always gives me treats and takes me outside to do my business. ::BALL!:: If you weren’t a pet hating sociopath you would know how wonderful ::TREAT!!!!!!:: pant pant pant please give me a treat. The heroine is not a doormat. But if you were, and I think you must be, I would do my business on you.

The author’s cat responds

Who are you? If you’re not going pet me, go away. Here is what I think of your review: :::Yawn::: Also ::GAK GAK GAK:: Here’s a hairball. It’s smarter than you are.

The author’s mother responds

My [daughter/son/transgender] is a polite young [woman/man/transgender], and [she/he] was always a special child and very polite and [beautiful/handsome], too. [She/he] has the nicest smile! [She/he] is polite now, too, and I just don’t understand how you could be so cruel as to make those remarks when [she/he] worked so hard at that writing. You should be nice to people. I am so sorry for your parents. They must be distraught.

The pond turtle responds

The sun is very warm here on this rock, which is smarter than you are.

You’re welcome! And please, if you have a good one, please leave your contribution in the comments!

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8 Responses to “Handy Review Responses for Authors Looking to Behave Badly”

  1. Lisa Hendrix says:

    MY GOD THIS [blogpost] IS BRILLIANT!!

  2. willaful says:

    The author’s teenage child responds: [eyeroll]

  3. Punya says:

    A random reviewer responds: *barf*

    😀

  4. Oh, Willaful and Punya: Brilliant. I think authors will get a log of use out of those. We all appreciate it.

  5. Punya says:

    Totally loved this post Ms. Jewel. You have a killer sense of humor. :p

  6. Sandy Schwab says:

    Our fish had umpteen babies this year – which is BRILLIANT [!!!] because now I can create FB accounts, Amazon accounts, Goodreads accounts, Shelfari accounts, and LibraryThing accounts for ALL FIFTY [or sixty] [or whatever] of our koi fish! In addition there’s the duck, of course. And our two cats. Wow! I better get going and start selling reviews, too!

    Anybody want a review from one of the fish?