Authors and Book Reviewers: Together we CAN do it!

It’s a known fact that when book reviewers start blackmailing you for swag, you are a made author. MADE. Effing made in the goddamned shade. It means the USA Today and the NYT lists are just around the corner. Once that happens, triple digit reviews on Amazon are about to explode on your books like a nest of vipers on a bully who just stepped in it. Over at B&N, the Warrior Cats will stop talking about Glitter Cat and Moonkitty and they will buy your book.

I have never been blackmailed for swag. Not one single book reviewer has ever said Carolyn, we would be SO excited to review your book. SO EXCITED! Please send it immediately, but first, we need to have some swag from you. Without that, I’m afraid we’ll accidentally post-date our review to 1977.

No one has ever said, psst. hey you, author nobody ever heard of! Give us a job at your company and we’ll review your book!

God, it’s just SO UNFAIR.  No book reviewer will blackmail me.

In order to get around this, I am prepared to to offer you book reviewers swag you can’t get anywhere else. The images are extra-large so you can really take a look.

A 4 star review will get you anything you want from my junk drawer. You’ll notice it is chock full of swag. The gift card has $3.49 cents left on it. For that much money you could get a $3.00 coffee and leave a .49 cent tip. You could buy three .99 cent eBooks and have money left over! That’s my son’s report card over there in the upper left. He got an A+ in Honors Physics. A little white-out and your kid is in the college of his or her choice.  Got a pet? Check out the pet brush! The nail clippers are fully functional. Need a pen? You’re covered. Possibly not for long, but hey.

First come first serve.


Picture of Carolyn's Junk Drawer

Pick the Swag of Your Choice


But here’s something BETTER. For a 5-star review I will let you in on this deal:

screenshot of spam email

Exciting Opportunity!

Mr. Andrew Liu from Hong Kong is loaded and I am the only person who can help him! This is totally going to work. Wire me $100,000 US and I will contact Mr. Liu on your behalf and send you half the money, less a convenience fee.

Authors and Book Reviewers. Together, we can do it!

Reserve your swag now! Leave a comment.


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20 Responses to “Authors and Book Reviewers: Together we CAN do it!”

  1. SonomaLass says:

    $3.49? That’s more than I’ve been offered for any other reviews lately. Seriously, I feel left out — I hear there are reviewers being paid to write positive reviews and negative ones. I write both kinds, but so far for free. I may need to blog about this,.

    • SonomaLass, surely you have your own junk drawer with which to tempt writers to send you books to read? Then you just pull the old switcheroo and demand swag and a job to post the review you wrote.

      Doh. I shouldn’t have to help you out this way.

  2. Sandy Schwab says:

    I’ve never been blackmailed either. It’s so unfair! The vipers must know that I can’t offer them a fantastic job in New York. Well, I can’t even offer them one in Mainz, so there. Life is so unfair!

    But before you send money to Mr Liu in China (really, what is Mr Liu to you, I ask you?), you should reconsider and send the money to me instead. I might even find a nice run-down castle on the banks of the Rhine to buy and transform into a writers’ retreat so we could ALL benefit from that. It goes without saying that I would also offer mediation courses for authors, reviewers, and readers, where we would sit in a circle on the floor, holding hands and letting our energies flow and mingle. We might even sing some cheerful song or other.

    • Sandy, your castle idea is genius. I’m sure Mr. Liu’s proposition will make me (and some lucky book reviewer!) so much money that buying a castle on the Rhine will be like buying an extra box of toffies for Mean Fat Old Bat. No problem!

  3. Is that splash of orange center-right one of those peanut butter-molasses toffees that pull the fillings right out of your teeth? If so, we should talk. I’ve promised my dentist that I wouldn’t buy any more of them, but swag is swag and clearly has its own rules and set of ethics.

    If it’s last year’s toffee, however, I’m afraid that three stars is the best I can do.

  4. Sunita says:

    That dog-paw brush is MINE.

    Only one hitch: Now that I’ve abandoned my blog & deleted my Goodreads account, all I’ve got is LibraryThing (DA Jane is so stuffy about bribery I mean proper compensation).

    That is one fine brush, and LT is not nearly as useful as GR on the promo front. I’m going to have to write a LOT of reviews, aren’t I.

    • I’m afraid you’re no MFOB. But do your best, I support all reviewers who support me with 4 stars or better. Also, what DA Jane doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

  5. Anna says:

    LOL…I’m sorry! It’s insulting, but so ridiculous!

    Okay. Let’s cut down to the nitty gritty. I will take the 2AA battery and USB cable. This exchange guarantees a 4 star review on the novel of your choice. If the battery is dead the deal is off.

    • I can’t guarantee the state of the battery. As is, no warranties of fitness, express or implied. How about if I throw in the brown dry-erase pen? Besides, if the battery is dead, you could use it in interpretive art.

  6. Anna says:

    No can do! I don’t have a whiteboard. The little paw brush has been catching my eye. Alas, I don’t have a dog. Damnit! Let’s throw in the Sharpies and we have a deal. Of course, this deal is null and void if the permanent markers are dry. ;o)

  7. LOL That is hilarious 🙂 Your junk drawer is much less cluttered and much smaller than mine. Maybe I should start unloading some of my junk to books that earn 2 stars or less. You know, since the book was junk they get junk in return. Fair game and all, LOL.

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