Open Position: Minion

Work from Home!

Minion

Make extra cash in every spare minute while working from home. Do you have a poorly functioning moral compass? Apply immediately!

If your moral compass sometimes gives you pause, you’d probably be a great fit for our junior minion position. Check back in a month. We’re waiting to see if the intern quits.

Pay: Bit coin and free books.

Benefits: Every day is casual day.

Requirements: Able to start immediately. Limited ability to work unsupervised. Must be able to copy and paste. Familiarity with Word a plus but not required.

Duties: Carry out tasks on approved schedule. Set up internet alerts and take proscribed actions per provided flow chart.

To apply: Please copy and paste your resume into a comment to this post. Include a link to a video of you dry-washing your hands and laughing in an unsettling manner. Equal opportunity Employer.

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28 Responses to “Open Position: Minion”

  1. Angie Thompson says:

    Muaaaahhhaaaaa!!!

  2. I like your style, Carolyn. But can you copy and paste?

  3. Angie Thompson says:

    Insert hand wringing and raised left eyebrow

  4. Angie Thompson says:

    I like your style. But can you copy and paste?

    I just did.

  5. Eva Tancedi says:

    Carolyn just When I thought I was alone this world with a mind that thinks that way. You go and give me hope. LOL

    Eva

  6. DawnD says:

    i lack hope, but cling to my moral compass. I think. Would there be chocolate?

    • We like your lack of hope, but a moral compass, even partially functioning, may make you a bad fit for this position. You would be expected to buy chocolate for your employer from your bitcoin earnings. I’m concerned you hadn’t understood that. However, lack of initiative is good. If the intern quits we might well be in contact.

      Thank you for your interest.

  7. Katherine says:

    Having been a reliable minion for many years (read: mother of three), I am comfortable taking direction night and day, in what may or may not be English; also proficient in hand gesture interpretation, mid-tantrum interventions and routine application of chocolate or hot cocoa for attitude adjustment. Will work for books! See resume vis a vis computer skills etc. on linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/katherine-gupman/b/15/201/

    Mr. Burns on casual dress:
    Having been a reliable minion for many years(read: mother of three), am comfortable taking direction night and day, in what may or may not be English; also proficient in had gesture interpretation, mid-tantrum interventions and routine application of chocolate or hot cocoa for attitude adjustment. Will work for books! resume vis a vis computer skills etc. on linked in: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/katherine-gupman/b/15/201/

    Mr. Burns on casual dress: “I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is – bolo.”

    • Katherine says:

      OK, so obviously my copy and paste skills could use some work! Ack! Wow, I am not sure I have ever had such an anti-serendipitous moment:(

      • Those who have been mothers of young children have excellent coping skills. I, too, am disappointed by the copy and paste issues. You’re not out of the running though. We here at Jewel Central were impressed by you going to Mr. Burns as a role model.

  8. Good Day! (Copy and Pasted that from my last letter)

    I’ve been “minioning”, yeah I said it, for the last 20 years or so. My moral compass was tragically damaged in an industrial magnet accident, causing me to wander in circles a lot of the time. This does not however, diminish my work ethic or interest in this opportunity.

    Good Day! (Copy and Pasted that from above)

    Sincerely,

    Call me Jerry,

  9. Jody W. says:

    My moral compass is kind of like Siri + GPS, and it keeps directing me to the DUCKING BOONIES, which definitely gives me pause. Does that count?

    • Excellent on the malfuctioning moral compass, but if you hesitate when you’re sent off to the boonies, I think you’ll need to re-apply when and if the junior minion position opens up.

      The best minion never thinks about where the compass points. She, or he, simply follows the arrow.

  10. “Requirements: Able to start immediately. Limited ability to work”

    Oh, wait. Unsupervised? I usually depend on my supervisor to be my moral compass, so my ability to work UNsupervised is severely limited, but I’m applying anyway.

    • Thank you so much for applying for the minion position. We are considering every application. To be honest, we suspect you of having a fully functional moral compass.

  11. While I find your offer tempting, I must admit I have my own evil plans which need minions as well. As a result, I suggest we trade. A quid pro minion situation, as you were. This way we can trade the same handful of bit coins back and forth and be out of pocket nothing but chocolate consumed.

    I expect you to report for minion duty soon. Thx.

  12. I was with you all the way until you thought I would report for minion duty. Get serious.

  13. Having worked for a large litigation and corporate law firm for the past twenty years, I think I can safely say that I have no moral compass left whatsoever. Mine was surgically removed on the date of hire. I can probably out-venal ol’ Jerry above there with one hand behind me (said hand will be busily mining the chocolate stash).

    My copy and paste skills are evident in that there are no typos in the name, email, and website information in the reply boxes.

    As for casual dress, it’s after noon where I am right now and I’m still in my nightshirt.

    Oh, and I played Lady MacBeth in the junior class play in high school, so I’ve got the handwashing down cold.

    C’mon. Employ a member of a majority group (retired Boomer). At least on an as-needed, overflow basis.

  14. not applying but as an HR mgr in my dual life, I applaud you on your job posting skills. I could not have created a better request. LOL. Good luck on the minion search.