Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

HAAO: Poll!

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

My author bio needs a reboot, I think.

Here are some options (including the current bio), plus a poll. Which do you like best?

Bio Number 1 (Current)

Carolyn Jewel is an award winning author who’s been writing stories ever since she could scribble. Now that she’s grown up (mostly) she writes historical and paranormal romance because she loves history and imagining the lives of people who lived in years past, and because she’s fascinated by the loves and travails of the not-exactly-human in any time period.

Bio Number 2

Carolyn Jewel writes novels about love. You should read them if you like books about falling in love.

Bio Number 3

Carolyn Jewel writes historical and paranormal romance. She has a very dusty car, a Master’s degree in English, three cats and a dog. Also a son. She wears glasses, reads a lot of books and loves Bollywood movies.

Which Bio Do You Prefer?

View Results

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You Know What This Blog Needs?

Friday, May 20th, 2011

Another poll, that’s what. Here’s a BUNCH!



Which would you rather eat: Cookies or Potato Chips?

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Tesla Roadster

Which car would you rather drive?

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Paris, France

Istanbul, Turkey

Where would you rather travel?

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Strapless Pantsuit

Three Musketeers Pants


Which Outfit Should Zoe Archer Wear for the RITAs at RWA?

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The Writing Mafia is Real

Sunday, March 6th, 2011

It’s been all over the intertubes, that that are these writing mafias that exist of mean girls who intend to crush the writing careers of competitors. They do stuff like tell their editors not to buy a book from writer X and refuse to do blurbs for writer Y. Well, contrary to all the fine people who say that’s nonsense (I’m looking at you Scalzi!) I’m here to tell you right now that there IS such as thing as a writing mafia.

Stepping Forward

Here’s a picture of the leader of one of these writer mafias:
Yes. You read it here first. I am a mafia Donna. I admit it. My mafiosa is called La Cosa Chocolate but sometimes we’re called The Chocolate Mafia. I did mean to say we. Because there are members besides me, too. They joined on Twitter last night, though I had to sic my enforcers, @emmapetersen and my Indonesian Malaysian muscle @arzai on one of them. We’re a ruthless band and @younglibrarian caved like a little girl.

What does La Cosa Chocolate do?

We create chocolate mayhem wherever possible. Some of us write. Some of us read. Some of us read AND write. You wanna be a chocolate goomba, you gotta PROVE your chocolate love. Right now, we’re planning on wreaking havoc at RWA, except for @younglibrarian, who isn’t going, but who has promised to misstamp some library cards. So watch out.

How to Join Us

If you’re on twitter, tweet a picture that proves your chocolate love. Use the hash tag #LaCosaChocolate. I’ll let you know if it’s enough to get you Made. If you’re not on twitter, you have to leave a comment.

We take bribes, steal shoes and conference badges. We’re tough. Join us. We have chocolate.


Poll Results – An Analysis

Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Well. As of this morning, Batman is winning the Batman vs. Superman hot sex poll with Alexander Skarsgard coming in second. (Well played, poll responders!).  The comments were illuminating and included such choices as Thor, Wonder Woman (woot!) The Green Lantern and more. On twitter someone said she’d go shopping with Aquaman. Also, I think I didn’t mention that this controversy arose when I tweeted this:

Just realized something upsetting. If given a choice between hot sex with batman or superman, I would choose superman. Why? **sob**

By all means if you haven’t voted yet, please do!




Holy Choices, Super Important Poll

Friday, March 4th, 2011

As usual, I’ve made this overly complicated, but go. I need to know.


If you had to choose hot sex with either Batman or Superman who would you choose?

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Battle Royal – Carolyn’s Burning Question of the Day

Monday, January 10th, 2011

This has been bugging me a for while so I’m turning to you, oh wonderful blog reader, for your thoughts and opinions on the subject.

Why are princes sexier than kings?

The Background and Examples

As Tessa Dare opines on Twitter there is a surfeit of dukes. How can historical romance up the stakes? I am vastly paraphrasing, by the way. Royalty is the obvious answer. But from there arises an interesting paradox; Princes are better than Kings (assuming both are single and available). Why?

Updated to add: For the purposes of this question please assume the king is single, available and smoking hot.

Prince Charming, not King Charming
Prince of Darkness, not King of Darkness
Prince of Thieves, etc.
Some day my Prince will come . . .
The artist formerly, once and now presently known as Prince didn’t name himself King. He picked Prince.

Why?? What do princes have that kings don’t?

Kings have scepters and really BIG crowns and they get to sit on a throne (leaning back looking bored yet sultry — one of my life goals by the way)
They get to make the rules
If you piss off the king, say good bye to your head.
If you piss of the prince, you should hire someone to taste your food.

Explain this in the comments.

Thank you.


Great Reviews of My Immortal Assassin and Hell Freezes Over

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Some people are saying Nice Things About Me

No, that’s not the indication that hell has frozen over! People say nice things about me all the time. Like, uh, that time. You know. Stay tuned, cold hell is coming . . .

Over at Book Reading Gals, they’re doing a giveaway, and have this to say:

Carolyn Jewel is a master storyteller. The world that she has created is in this reviewers humble opinion one of the best in the paranormal and romance genre. The conflict between the fiends and the mages is a perfect combination. The hero and heroine are a perfect complement to each other.
. . .
If you like a great paranormal story with a great romance and excellent characters than I recommend picking up this series.
. . .
Grade A

Read the Whole Review

More Nice Things

Over at Renee’s Book Addiction there’s this:

One of the things I really enjoy about this series is the originality of the world. The demons (known as the kin, among themselves) are engaged in a struggle with the magekind. Dark mages use enslaved demons to provide power and as coerced minions. Witches, too, often get caught in the crossfire, becoming pawns for the dark mages.

One of the things that made My Immortal Assassin a stand out in the series for me is the relationship between Gray and Durian. More than any other book in the series, there is a give and take to their relationship that is really refreshing. While Grey has “submitted” (not in a D/s way, but in a magical way) by binding herself to him, rather than being subservient to him, she is pledged to protect him, and becomes his bodyguard. As Gray increasingly comes into her power, she assumes a more protective role toward Durian that male heroes more typically take on. I really liked this shift in traditional power dynamics.

Read the Full Review

Has Hell Frozen Over?

I think maybe it has, because my day job and my writing job have gotten married and produced (dun dun dun!!) a parody! Bear with me, because this actually gets interesting.

Over at the SQL Server Simple Talk newsletter, the mysterious Phil Factor (that’s SQL humor, by the way) has written Parodist, a SQL Server “application” that will create a parody of text you provide. Note: This ONLY works if you happen to have SQL Server installed, so unless it’s installed on your web server or for some reason you have access to SQL Server, it won’t do much good to check the link. Unless you want to satisfy idle curiosity or look at T-SQL code. The application consists of two procedures, one to accept the text and stick it in a database and another to spit out the parody, which SQL builds like this, in the words of Phil Factor, describing what you would have to do if you did this by hand:

You have the starting word of a sentence: Then, you would find the second word in another sentence that started with that initial word. Once you had the third word, by proceeding likewise, you would be ready to start. You find, at random, a sentence containing the previous two words, adjacent and in the same order; and you take this third word and append it. As authors tend to have mannerisms, and use favourite phrases, this technique seems to pick them up: One gets clichés strung together. The more text you have the better the parody. with small amounts, it just sticks to the sentences it selects, but the richer the text bank, the more creative it gets.

So, you can see that SQL Server is doing some pretty interesting text manipulation. What does this have to do with My Immortal Assassin? Well, I fed Parodist Chapter 1 and got this:

Not any of it. Obtain a sanction on me. There was the rest of her head. She had impressive control. Just as he watched. Her eyes lost focus again and she let out a puff of air. They were not at liberty to disclose that information. That ought to be in her late twenties maybe early thirties. She wasn’t stupid. Her magic flared up– the magic inside. If you answer my questions. Her expression hardened to ice. I’m not saying I didn’t kill anyone. A wild bitterness edged the sound. Most mages of sufficient ambition considered it worth the risk and there were indeed significant dangers. She pushed herself to a sitting position.

Personally, I think it’s hilarious. What do you think?

Also, please go buy My Immortal Assassin. You’ve read the parody, now read the real thing.


So you want to be a writer?

Saturday, November 27th, 2010

Via Marjorie M. Liu on twitter.

I feel safe in saying every author on the planet has had a similar conversation.


Blog About Great Stuff

Monday, September 27th, 2010

I love readers of this blog. You have the most insightful things to say, right on point. ( Really insightful. So much so that I’m going to click on your URLS ( and faithfully follow you because you’re the best. ( . Sometimes, and I really don’t know why, when I try to read one of your comments ( it doesn’t render. I’m using firefox on a mac, so maybe you should try to fix that. Otherwise, great comments and keep up the good work! ( I hope you keep commenting so that no one else’s blog is ever as good as mine. Thank you.

This blog post inspired by WordPress spammers and Askimet.

I’ll send a signed book to a random commenter who leaves a fake spam comment that is generic and says absolutely nothing relevant about anything. I’ll pick a winner Thursday, 9/30. Void where prohibited.


Random Thoughts

Monday, February 8th, 2010

1. Why Mondays? Seriously. Why?

2. I don’t get why authors beg other authors to go vote for them in a reader poll. This is different, by the way, from alerting your readers about such a poll. I’m talking about appealing directly to groups of other authors. Let’s say that works and all your author friends vote for you in droves and YAY! You win. Well, so what? You didn’t win because readers loved your book. You won because you begged. How good will you feel afterward? All right, so I get why authors do that, because then you can brag about the win and maybe you’ll get some increased sales. But inside, you’ll know it’s a lie. Am I crazy for feeling that way?
3. I kind of feel the same way about my mailing list, which is quite small. Trust, me the numbers are nothing to brag about. But if I make people sign up for my mailing list in order to enter a contest or what have you, don’t I end up with a bunch of people who are on my newsletter list to win stuff? I want people on the list because they want to know about my books. Is that dumb of me? I suspect it is. But I can’t help feeling that way.
4. I’m serious about the Monday question.
5. I recently did an interesting track down search for a funny post that I originally saw on Twitter that said, basically, something about editor humor. Well, I’m all about finding out if editors really do have a sense of humor. (Kidding!! I know you do!! Editors are some of the funniest people I know.)
Anyway, I clicked through and landed at the always wonderful SciFi Guy Blog. This post was headed Why Werewolves Teach Their Kids Grammar which gave credit to the blog Only The Best SciFi/Fantasy with their post titled, A touching Story of How Grammar saved A Life. That post credited Boing Boing but without a link back. But I found that post which is titled Fun with Punctuation and it credits Dweebist. The Dweebist post is titled merely Commas, and it seems to be the source.
It’s like Internet Telephone. From commas to saving lives, to werewolf humor to editor humor.
But it’s still funny.